A letter to the bereaved parent with another new season upon them

I get it.  A new season (or chapter) now sucks.  It used to be a time of renewal, excitement, anticipation... A time that you looked forward to.  A new beginning.  Maybe it was a new job, a new relationship, a new home, a new opportunity, a new year, a new holiday season...these were all things that I would have been excited about 'before'.  It was kind of like starting over in a sense, in what ever area it was in.  And who doesn't like a fresh start?

Now, these new seasons and chapters are filled with anxiety. Anxiety about having to meet new people at your new job, to put on a happy face, to tell your story (because you know it's going to come out, as it should, your baby very much existed and gave your life purpose).  New seasons are also reminders for me that my baby isn't with me.  She isn't doing life with me on this side of Heaven.  She isn't going to be here to participate in our silly family Christmas festivities.  She won't be turning a year old here on Earth.

It just hurts.  It hurts to the core and I've realized it isn't a feeling that can be described.  It is an experience that we are living every single day.  I'm almost to the point that I don't want people to try to understand because they wont.  They can't.  All that they need to understand is that we need them now more than ever.  And maybe in a few months more than now.  We need people to cry for us when we can't cry another tear, pray for us when we can't catch our breath to pray, and just 'be'.  People don't understand the impact that their presence has on someone who couldn't feel more alone... All because this precious tiny human isn't here any more. We need people who will just listen... Listen to us talk about our child. Listen to our frustrations.  Listen to our questions.  If you've found someone who doesn't want to hear about it anymore, let them go.  There are so many precious souls who will listen to you.  We will never 'get over it'.  Ask them how many times a day they think about their living child and them ask them to not.  It's impossible.

I pray that any new season, chapter, or beginning will take on a new meaning for you.  I am wholeheartedly going to approach these times as a positive.  Yes, we will cry.  We are sad.  But we can also smile at the impact that our precious one has made.  I am realizing more and more every single day all the ways that my Avery blessed us and changed us and left us with things that we will have forever, until we see her again.  My heart grew 1,000 times when I met and loved her.  I now have so much love to give.  She made me see how brave I am.  I've done things in the last 8 months that I never ever thought I'd be able to do.  Imagine what I'm capable of now.  I pray that I will teach my students lessons that go way past the textbooks or curriculum.  Avery taught me so many.  I am realizing that there is a love, a happiness, a kind of joy that you can only experience after sorrow.  So I look at these new seasons in anticipation for that very joy.  I pray you can too.

I cry as I write this.  I cry at the fact that there are so many others hurting the way we hurt. Please remember your child in your new season and smile... Smile because there is so much beauty that is going to come.

I have to believe this.

"Tune my heart to sing thy Grace..."

Our counselor told us that this first year would be hard...all of the 'firsts' that we will have to encounter... First birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Easter....without you. But who are we kidding, no holiday is ever going to be easy.  Ever.  From here on out.  I'm sorry, family and friends.  I know you may also have a moment of sadness yourselves (and/or for us) but please don't ever underestimate the feeling of loneliness we will feel, even surrounded by so many that we love.  We are getting closer and closer to your first birthday.  I struggle every single month on the 2nd and the 3rd.  On the 2nds, you would be another month older.  In a few weeks, you would be 1 year old.  I still sit hear in disbelief that I would have a 1 year old.  On the 3rds, it is another month that you've been gone.  Sundays are hard too.  That's the day you took your last breath and went home.  It's bittersweet having all of these daily reminders and dates that mark another 'should've been' or 'would've been'.  I never want you far from my mind but I also hate the reminders that you aren't here, where you should be.  Avery lived to be 8 months and 1 day old.  She fought until the end.  She went until her little body knew it couldn't be healed on this side of Heaven. I rejoice every single day that she has won and she is whole and well and PERFECT but oh how I hurt.  I don't tell you all of this for pity or sadness, I tell you to 1) keep Avery as alive as I possibly can, 2) try to cope with an unfathomable loss, 3) help others understand, we all have a story to tell, and 4) continue rejoicing in the love that can only come from a Father who is holding my precious baby.  As Avery's mom, I prayed for her before she was born, I prayed for her every day she was with us, and I pray for her now.  As a mom, you are given this amazing strength to do things you never thought you could do and an even more amazing power to love so deeply that you know it comes straight from above.  We hurt so bad because we love so good.  We miss you, our Avery girl.

Summertime and the livin's (not) easy.

This summer was going to be oh so much fun.  You were going to learn to walk, we would celebrate your first birthday, we would go to the beach and play in the sand, we would play outside, go on walks....

You were robbed of so much.  I'm so sorry baby girl.  There is nothing more that I wish for every single day than to have you back and for you to experience these things.  Your daddy and I try to stay busy with day to day tasks but at some point, the grief has to come out.  For me, usually it's in the mornings...For several hours... I have to let it just take over.  Some days, it's later in the evenings.  When it comes, it comes with no holding back.  So I look at your pictures that are everywhere...on the walls, on nightstands, on tables, on counters...everywhere. Your sweet smiles (still) light up every single room.  As it should be.  You're here with us, I just know it.

We miss you more and more every day...Love you my sweet angel girl.  

A little background that led us to being bereaved parents...Pt.6

In the week following Avery's death, we were surrounded by so much love and prayer and held a beautiful, perfect Celebration of Life for our sweet angel.  

May 9, 2015
I see you sweet girl, I see you. We have been so surrounded with love that it's overwhelming. Our house (mostly the porch) is filled with the sweetest smelling flowers that will give us beautiful blooms every single year. We have received countless cards simply saying you are praying for us. We are reminded every day of little (and big) ways that Avery touched our lives. And this weekend, I am reminded that Avery made me a mother and I will always be a mother, no matter where else life leads us. Who else can live on earth and not sin but an angel? We had an angel and are so grateful He trusted us with her.

May 24, 2015
Three weeks ago. It still seems unreal. I have come to realize that I don't think I'll ever understand how you can be blessed with something so perfect for such a short amount of time and then just like that, it's gone. The pain of missing this sweet angel is almost unbearable at times. I know we will learn to live again but it just doesn't feel right without our Avy Baby. Please continue to pray for peace for our family... Not only was Avery our sweet baby, she was also a niece, cousin, and a granddaughter.

May 31, 2015
It's been 4 weeks. 4 of the longest weeks of my life. There should be one more sweet girl in this picture. So thankful for these people, they are part of the group that have been our rock since day 1. It is so bittersweet making memories with only 2/3 of our little family here. What I would give for one more snuggle. Avery taught us a new kind of love that I am forever grateful for.

June 8, 2015
"Loved". That is one thing that was so true of Avery. She was loved. She is still loved. I began writing in this journal on December 23, 2013, the day I found out I was pregnant. The day our worlds were forever changed. The day that began our fierce love for someone that we hadn't even met. The day that we truly began living for someone else. And I write in it today. The topic has always been Avery, the details are just different. In December and the months to follow, I wrote about all of the joy and excitement we had, that everyone had, knowing she was on her way. I wrote about the process of preparing our home to welcome her into it. I wrote about how our love for her grew even more once we had decided on a name, Avery Marie. Now, I write about how much we miss her. How grief takes over like an ocean wave, trying to pull you under, then passes when it's ready, whether it's after ten minutes or two hours. I write about the 'what ifs'... What it would be like if we had a happy, healthy 9 month old. What would she sound like? Interact like? Crawling? (Probably, and probably all over the place) I think it's normal to wonder these things and long for her presence but oh how it hurts. I struggle with how much I want to share.. Part of me feels like it is my job to keep her story alive.. Maybe I can help someone else. Maybe her story of strength and love will reach someone and lead them to Jesus. Maybe it's my selfish way of not wanting her to go away. I don't know. Maybe I'll never know. Our hearts were forever changed because of her and I know she's not finished. So please bare with me as I continue to tell her story. Maybe it's part of my healing process. Again, I don't know. But there is just too much good that can continue to come from this to not share. Children are special. They are truly God-sent. They can all teach us a thing or two, we just have to watch and listen. 

June 9, 2015
Today, I miss the smell of diapers. Going through and trying to organize things in Avery's nursery brought on some major tears.

Looking back through our hospital notebook, I had written down this verse that brings so much peace to me today. At the time, we were waiting to find out what test would be done that would be the least risky and most beneficial for showing exactly what Avery's heart needed. Today, I needed to be reminded that she is whole and well and happy. The Lord must've known that I'd need that reassurance again.

June 15, 2015
I adore my niece. I have since the day she was born. I loved that Avery and Paisley were going to grow up together, so close in age. Now, I love that Paisley remembers 'baby'... Oh man the dreams I had for the two of them together; what a fun summer it was going to be. I am so so thankful that we have Paisley. The Lord does some amazing work through these unknowing kids and it just fills my heart with so much happiness. Today, we ate popsicles, played in the sprinkler, colored, read books, snuggled, giggled, and missed Avery. I pray that Paisley always remembers her baby cousin because I know Avery would've adored her just as much as we do.

June 16, 2015
Oh how my body physically aches to hold you. You took a piece of me with you and I won't be whole until we are together again, where you should be, in your momma's arms. You were 1 week into your little life here and I literally sat with you and stared at your perfection of a smile all. day. long. Well, in between diapers and nursing. I wouldn't have traded one sleepless night for anything. Life just isn't as sunny without you. It never will be. I love you, my sweet angel.

June 19, 2015
Never. So much was lost in that moment. A precious life, birthdays, holidays, graduations, a wedding, everything you dream of for your child. It just shouldn't happen. While our hearts seem to break a little more each day, I know our angel is well and whole. How special that she gets to experience our ultimate goal in life.. Heaven. Exactly one year ago, I wrote about how we had picked her name, Avery Marie, how we had seen her sweet face on the ultrasound, how thankful I was for every kick and roll that I was feeling. I will continue to write about her, I've found it to be healing. We have a lot to learn about grieving... I won't call it a process, because theres no end to it. We are forever changed. I am determined that we will become stronger as we continue through life, not just get back to where we were. We have a lot to learn from other people... I pray that in time, we will be able to help someone, give perspective, and truly help people realize what matters. I absolutely love hearing people talk about Avery.. Yes, it stings to hear her name, but oh it brings so much joy.

Too many firsts all at once..

So exactly one week after we said goodbye to our sweet girl, it was Mother's Day. This past weekend, we had to 'celebrate' Father's Day. Deep breathe... That's a lot. Avery made us mommy and daddy. For Mother's Day, I felt many things.. Shock- did my baby REALLY just die a week ago?? Is this really my life??  I never could've imagined Brad and I losing our baby... Sadness- This was going to be the first year that I'd get a little card signed 'Avery' (I'd thank Brad). My sweet girl was just robbed of so much. I'm sad at Mother's Day but she won't ever get a 1st birthday...Numbness- I was truly just going through the motions because I don't think I could recall what we even did that day. So when I say shock, sadness, and numbness, amplify it to a level unimaginable. And through that, we smile, we have breakdowns, we laugh, we remember... This past weekend we suffered through Father's Day. As Brads wife, I hurt so bad for him. There's something about a hurting father than nothing can make better. His little girl should've been there, sitting with him at church, being bounced up and down. But instead, we visited Avery at her resting place. And here comes the shock again... What?! Are we really parents yet our baby isn't with us?! Is this real life?!

I don't look forward to more 'first holidays without Avery' because it simply shouldn't be this way. I am so so thankful for all of the amazing people that acknowledged both Brad and I on those two recent holidays because there truly is no greater compliment than hearing someone say 'You are such a good mom.'