It's not our plan, but His. (right?)

Oh man, if I had a nickle every time I had a thought similar to "What? Where is Avery?" or "How is this real life?" or "Am I really visiting my baby in a cemetary?" I'd be rich. It is still unreal. I think more unreal now than it was two months ago. Now, time has started to pass and day to day life doesn't consist of medicines being drawn up and given, feeding pump beeps, diapers, a heart-wrenching cry, and more than any of this, our Avery. How can a parent ever stop missing their child? How am I supposed to not think about her? How am I going to get through her birthday every year? How can I not look at Paisley and see Avery?

As a fresh college graduate, you don't see these things in your future. You don't plan on losing your first born after a terrible 3 month hospital stay. I say 'as a fresh college graduate' because that's who I think of when I think of really starting to "plan for the future". You've got the world at your fingertips. Friends are starting to get married and vacations are happening. New jobs are being found, new houses are being bought. I can remember as a new graduate, Brad and I talking about our futures... We would live at the farm house for a little while to save some money, we would start working our grown up jobs, and one day when we were ready and things were just right, we would start a family. A boy first, because then he could protect the younger sister. (As if we have ANY control over what we have...) The boy would have bleach blond hair just like Brad did when he was a kid. We were going to do so many fun things as a family... Beach trips were going to be the best.

So to say that life hasn't gone as planned is quite an understatement. But something I've learned is that there are few things that we can really plan. I've heard more times than I would've cared to that "it's all part of God's plan..." No. No, I'm sorry but I don't agree with you there. I have a hard time believing that God wanted my baby to suffer. I have a hard time believing that God wanted her life to be cut entirely too short. I have a hard time believing that He wanted us to hurt and experience the worst thing parents can experience. I absolutely believe miracles happen. And I also believe that as human beings living in a imperfect world, bad things happen. Never have I once thought that God made Avery die. I believe God knew the path Avery's life was going to take and He hurts right along with us. He understands our hurt. What I believe is that through our hurt and Avery's suffering, an amazing testament can be told. I know that without our Avery, we would've never known this kind of love. We wouldn't be able to share the goodness and graciousness and comfort that our Father gives us daily and gave us during our time of need. I don't know what I would've done without the love of Jesus surrounding us. He showed us this love through family, friends, the medical community, and even strangers. My life has new meaning... All because of God's love shining so brightly through Avery. I know that He is making something beautiful from these ashes.

I want to remember. I need to remember...

Your little fingers..your little toes..your perfect lips and nose. I want to remember it all. I need to remember it all.  I look at pictures because they are all I have.  

It is amazing (and by amazing I mean frustrating) how the things that I want to NEVER forgot somehow find a way to start looking foggy in my mind and the terrible things that I would love to never think about again won't leave my mind. When I close my eyes, I can feel your little body curled up in my arms, the way you nestled right in so comfortably that just melted this momma's heart.  When I look at your pictures of that beaming wide-mouthed smile, I can hear you cooing and laughing, remembering how it just made our whole day to have our baby look up at us with such love.  When I walk into your nursery, I can still smell diapers, blankets and clothes washed in baby detergent (yes, it has a different smell than Tide), and I pray these smells never go away.  It's funny how smells have a way of bringing memories rushing back.  I've had one friend come into my house and simply say, "It smells like Avery in here..." I know what ya mean...I am beginning to realize that all of the beautiful pictures that I have are all the pictures that I'll ever have of you, making them more and more precious every single day.  I look at these pictures so often, trying to burn into my memory (if that's possible) every detail of your sweet face, the unique little ways you held your hands, the curves of your feet.  I don't want to forget any of it.  I can't forget any of it.  It seems like a lifetime ago that life was so simple.  We had our routine (and oh it was glorious). Morning nursing around the time daddy was going to work, then snuggles in momma's bed (you always seemed to get your best sleep during that early morning 'nap'), then a good 'ol diaper change.  Insert many smiles and wiggles.  You loved when we would pass by a mirror and I'd sing "Who's that girl? Oh that girl...."  It was no nursery rhyme but it got you smiling.  The days went on as simple as this and I soaked in every minute.  I still think about what the pastor said at your service, that you were loved every minute of your life.  What a blessing.  How can we want anything more for our child?  Thank you for loving us.  You are my greatest accomplishment and deepest love.  And now you're being held by our Lord and Savior until momma can hold you again.  What a perfect life.    

Dear Avery,

Oh sweet girl, momma misses you. We are trying to get through life without you and enjoy time with family and make memories but it's almost impossible. Life is dull now. It's family vacations that make me think of the 'should'ves. When I look at other babies, I wonder how old they are. I wonder what you would be doing if you were with us, where you should be.

I love you my sweet angel girl.

Mommy

Still blessed...

I'll be the first to admit that there are days that I look around, am surrounded by so many wonderful people, things, memories.... And I don't feel blessed like I know I should. Like I know I am. Sometimes it's hard to feel blessed when your child.. Your baby... Isn't here on Earth with you. It still makes absolutely no sense to me how such a thing could happen. It's been two months without the most precious gift I've ever been given...

People throw around the word 'blessed' way too much, in my opinion...for example, when good things are happening for them, they're blessed. It always seems it's during positive times that people are 'blessed'. I can honestly say I have never felt more blessed in my life than I have right now and going through the awful 6 months prior. I know I said sometimes I look around and don't feel blessed, but I've learned that through this journey of grief, we have moments, hours, days of just not feeling it. We know it's just part of this journey, we aren't going to be happy all of the time and maybe it's hard for us to appreciate all that we have when the most important thing to you is gone. But oh are we blessed. 

We have seen the good in people in a way that was unknown to us before... We have learned a deeper kind of love... We have found out how strong you can be as a parent and went to those limits, we have learned to fully.. And I mean fully rely on God.  All of these things might not have ever happened without the last 6 months happening. I will not say that Avery's short little precious life ended so that these things would happen but I believe our God cries with us and hurts with us because He truly knows our hurt. I believe that He didn't want this to happen to our sweet girl.  I believe that it's how you deal with situations that makes you who you are. He has been my source of strength and will continue to be because, well, there is no other way. 

We hurt so because we were and are blessed. We were blessed with Avery's precious smile, her laugh, her will to live when the odds were stacked against her. We were blessed with 4 amazing months with a happy, perfect baby. We were blessed with 4 more very different months that gave us time to snuggle, care for, and love our sweet girl.  We were blessed beyond measure when God gave us Avery. 

So today, as much as I hurt, I can say I am blessed.