It's not our plan, but His. (right?)

Oh man, if I had a nickle every time I had a thought similar to "What? Where is Avery?" or "How is this real life?" or "Am I really visiting my baby in a cemetary?" I'd be rich. It is still unreal. I think more unreal now than it was two months ago. Now, time has started to pass and day to day life doesn't consist of medicines being drawn up and given, feeding pump beeps, diapers, a heart-wrenching cry, and more than any of this, our Avery. How can a parent ever stop missing their child? How am I supposed to not think about her? How am I going to get through her birthday every year? How can I not look at Paisley and see Avery?

As a fresh college graduate, you don't see these things in your future. You don't plan on losing your first born after a terrible 3 month hospital stay. I say 'as a fresh college graduate' because that's who I think of when I think of really starting to "plan for the future". You've got the world at your fingertips. Friends are starting to get married and vacations are happening. New jobs are being found, new houses are being bought. I can remember as a new graduate, Brad and I talking about our futures... We would live at the farm house for a little while to save some money, we would start working our grown up jobs, and one day when we were ready and things were just right, we would start a family. A boy first, because then he could protect the younger sister. (As if we have ANY control over what we have...) The boy would have bleach blond hair just like Brad did when he was a kid. We were going to do so many fun things as a family... Beach trips were going to be the best.

So to say that life hasn't gone as planned is quite an understatement. But something I've learned is that there are few things that we can really plan. I've heard more times than I would've cared to that "it's all part of God's plan..." No. No, I'm sorry but I don't agree with you there. I have a hard time believing that God wanted my baby to suffer. I have a hard time believing that God wanted her life to be cut entirely too short. I have a hard time believing that He wanted us to hurt and experience the worst thing parents can experience. I absolutely believe miracles happen. And I also believe that as human beings living in a imperfect world, bad things happen. Never have I once thought that God made Avery die. I believe God knew the path Avery's life was going to take and He hurts right along with us. He understands our hurt. What I believe is that through our hurt and Avery's suffering, an amazing testament can be told. I know that without our Avery, we would've never known this kind of love. We wouldn't be able to share the goodness and graciousness and comfort that our Father gives us daily and gave us during our time of need. I don't know what I would've done without the love of Jesus surrounding us. He showed us this love through family, friends, the medical community, and even strangers. My life has new meaning... All because of God's love shining so brightly through Avery. I know that He is making something beautiful from these ashes.