May 9, 2015
I see you sweet girl, I see you. We have been so surrounded with love that it's overwhelming. Our house (mostly the porch) is filled with the sweetest smelling flowers that will give us beautiful blooms every single year. We have received countless cards simply saying you are praying for us. We are reminded every day of little (and big) ways that Avery touched our lives. And this weekend, I am reminded that Avery made me a mother and I will always be a mother, no matter where else life leads us. Who else can live on earth and not sin but an angel? We had an angel and are so grateful He trusted us with her.
May 24, 2015
Three weeks ago. It still seems unreal. I have come to realize that I don't think I'll ever understand how you can be blessed with something so perfect for such a short amount of time and then just like that, it's gone. The pain of missing this sweet angel is almost unbearable at times. I know we will learn to live again but it just doesn't feel right without our Avy Baby. Please continue to pray for peace for our family... Not only was Avery our sweet baby, she was also a niece, cousin, and a granddaughter.
Three weeks ago. It still seems unreal. I have come to realize that I don't think I'll ever understand how you can be blessed with something so perfect for such a short amount of time and then just like that, it's gone. The pain of missing this sweet angel is almost unbearable at times. I know we will learn to live again but it just doesn't feel right without our Avy Baby. Please continue to pray for peace for our family... Not only was Avery our sweet baby, she was also a niece, cousin, and a granddaughter.
May 31, 2015
It's been 4 weeks. 4 of the longest weeks of my life. There should be one more sweet girl in this picture. So thankful for these people, they are part of the group that have been our rock since day 1. It is so bittersweet making memories with only 2/3 of our little family here. What I would give for one more snuggle. Avery taught us a new kind of love that I am forever grateful for.
It's been 4 weeks. 4 of the longest weeks of my life. There should be one more sweet girl in this picture. So thankful for these people, they are part of the group that have been our rock since day 1. It is so bittersweet making memories with only 2/3 of our little family here. What I would give for one more snuggle. Avery taught us a new kind of love that I am forever grateful for.
June 8, 2015
"Loved". That is one thing that was so true of Avery. She was loved. She is still loved. I began writing in this journal on December 23, 2013, the day I found out I was pregnant. The day our worlds were forever changed. The day that began our fierce love for someone that we hadn't even met. The day that we truly began living for someone else. And I write in it today. The topic has always been Avery, the details are just different. In December and the months to follow, I wrote about all of the joy and excitement we had, that everyone had, knowing she was on her way. I wrote about the process of preparing our home to welcome her into it. I wrote about how our love for her grew even more once we had decided on a name, Avery Marie. Now, I write about how much we miss her. How grief takes over like an ocean wave, trying to pull you under, then passes when it's ready, whether it's after ten minutes or two hours. I write about the 'what ifs'... What it would be like if we had a happy, healthy 9 month old. What would she sound like? Interact like? Crawling? (Probably, and probably all over the place) I think it's normal to wonder these things and long for her presence but oh how it hurts. I struggle with how much I want to share.. Part of me feels like it is my job to keep her story alive.. Maybe I can help someone else. Maybe her story of strength and love will reach someone and lead them to Jesus. Maybe it's my selfish way of not wanting her to go away. I don't know. Maybe I'll never know. Our hearts were forever changed because of her and I know she's not finished. So please bare with me as I continue to tell her story. Maybe it's part of my healing process. Again, I don't know. But there is just too much good that can continue to come from this to not share. Children are special. They are truly God-sent. They can all teach us a thing or two, we just have to watch and listen.
"Loved". That is one thing that was so true of Avery. She was loved. She is still loved. I began writing in this journal on December 23, 2013, the day I found out I was pregnant. The day our worlds were forever changed. The day that began our fierce love for someone that we hadn't even met. The day that we truly began living for someone else. And I write in it today. The topic has always been Avery, the details are just different. In December and the months to follow, I wrote about all of the joy and excitement we had, that everyone had, knowing she was on her way. I wrote about the process of preparing our home to welcome her into it. I wrote about how our love for her grew even more once we had decided on a name, Avery Marie. Now, I write about how much we miss her. How grief takes over like an ocean wave, trying to pull you under, then passes when it's ready, whether it's after ten minutes or two hours. I write about the 'what ifs'... What it would be like if we had a happy, healthy 9 month old. What would she sound like? Interact like? Crawling? (Probably, and probably all over the place) I think it's normal to wonder these things and long for her presence but oh how it hurts. I struggle with how much I want to share.. Part of me feels like it is my job to keep her story alive.. Maybe I can help someone else. Maybe her story of strength and love will reach someone and lead them to Jesus. Maybe it's my selfish way of not wanting her to go away. I don't know. Maybe I'll never know. Our hearts were forever changed because of her and I know she's not finished. So please bare with me as I continue to tell her story. Maybe it's part of my healing process. Again, I don't know. But there is just too much good that can continue to come from this to not share. Children are special. They are truly God-sent. They can all teach us a thing or two, we just have to watch and listen.
June 9, 2015
Today, I miss the smell of diapers. Going through and trying to organize things in Avery's nursery brought on some major tears.
Today, I miss the smell of diapers. Going through and trying to organize things in Avery's nursery brought on some major tears.
Looking back through our hospital notebook, I had written down this verse that brings so much peace to me today. At the time, we were waiting to find out what test would be done that would be the least risky and most beneficial for showing exactly what Avery's heart needed. Today, I needed to be reminded that she is whole and well and happy. The Lord must've known that I'd need that reassurance again.
June 15, 2015
I adore my niece. I have since the day she was born. I loved that Avery and Paisley were going to grow up together, so close in age. Now, I love that Paisley remembers 'baby'... Oh man the dreams I had for the two of them together; what a fun summer it was going to be. I am so so thankful that we have Paisley. The Lord does some amazing work through these unknowing kids and it just fills my heart with so much happiness. Today, we ate popsicles, played in the sprinkler, colored, read books, snuggled, giggled, and missed Avery. I pray that Paisley always remembers her baby cousin because I know Avery would've adored her just as much as we do.
I adore my niece. I have since the day she was born. I loved that Avery and Paisley were going to grow up together, so close in age. Now, I love that Paisley remembers 'baby'... Oh man the dreams I had for the two of them together; what a fun summer it was going to be. I am so so thankful that we have Paisley. The Lord does some amazing work through these unknowing kids and it just fills my heart with so much happiness. Today, we ate popsicles, played in the sprinkler, colored, read books, snuggled, giggled, and missed Avery. I pray that Paisley always remembers her baby cousin because I know Avery would've adored her just as much as we do.
June 16, 2015
Oh how my body physically aches to hold you. You took a piece of me with you and I won't be whole until we are together again, where you should be, in your momma's arms. You were 1 week into your little life here and I literally sat with you and stared at your perfection of a smile all. day. long. Well, in between diapers and nursing. I wouldn't have traded one sleepless night for anything. Life just isn't as sunny without you. It never will be. I love you, my sweet angel.
Oh how my body physically aches to hold you. You took a piece of me with you and I won't be whole until we are together again, where you should be, in your momma's arms. You were 1 week into your little life here and I literally sat with you and stared at your perfection of a smile all. day. long. Well, in between diapers and nursing. I wouldn't have traded one sleepless night for anything. Life just isn't as sunny without you. It never will be. I love you, my sweet angel.
June 19, 2015
Never. So much was lost in that moment. A precious life, birthdays, holidays, graduations, a wedding, everything you dream of for your child. It just shouldn't happen. While our hearts seem to break a little more each day, I know our angel is well and whole. How special that she gets to experience our ultimate goal in life.. Heaven. Exactly one year ago, I wrote about how we had picked her name, Avery Marie, how we had seen her sweet face on the ultrasound, how thankful I was for every kick and roll that I was feeling. I will continue to write about her, I've found it to be healing. We have a lot to learn about grieving... I won't call it a process, because theres no end to it. We are forever changed. I am determined that we will become stronger as we continue through life, not just get back to where we were. We have a lot to learn from other people... I pray that in time, we will be able to help someone, give perspective, and truly help people realize what matters. I absolutely love hearing people talk about Avery.. Yes, it stings to hear her name, but oh it brings so much joy.
Never. So much was lost in that moment. A precious life, birthdays, holidays, graduations, a wedding, everything you dream of for your child. It just shouldn't happen. While our hearts seem to break a little more each day, I know our angel is well and whole. How special that she gets to experience our ultimate goal in life.. Heaven. Exactly one year ago, I wrote about how we had picked her name, Avery Marie, how we had seen her sweet face on the ultrasound, how thankful I was for every kick and roll that I was feeling. I will continue to write about her, I've found it to be healing. We have a lot to learn about grieving... I won't call it a process, because theres no end to it. We are forever changed. I am determined that we will become stronger as we continue through life, not just get back to where we were. We have a lot to learn from other people... I pray that in time, we will be able to help someone, give perspective, and truly help people realize what matters. I absolutely love hearing people talk about Avery.. Yes, it stings to hear her name, but oh it brings so much joy.
To read and see someone put my thoughts into coherent sentences describing this grief helps so much.
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