I'll be honest, the last few weeks have just about worn me down. There are times that I find myself asking, "Where DO these tears come from?? How can I not be all out?" I miss my child so badly it physically hurts. It's a very odd thing to try to describe. There is so much that is behind the missing..
I miss her smile. I miss her snuggles. I miss our life. I miss mothering her. I miss playing with her. I miss her. I cry for all of that. I cry for what we didn't get to experience. I cry for no 1st birthday. I cry for no first steps. I cry for no first day of preschool. I cry for no childhood. I cry for no wedding. I cry for not getting to see my child grow and become the person that I'd prayed for since before she was born. I hurt because my child hurt. I hurt because there was nothing else I could do to make it better for her. I hurt because I'm here and she isn't. I hurt because of how unnatural it feels to have my child die. In my arms.
All of that (plus some) is constantly on my mind. Without me wanting it to be. It's there. Sometimes, I literally feel like I'm going through motions in a fog, numb to things happening around me. Other times, I see things so clearly and with such a new perspective.
As heartbroken and shattered as I am, I have been able to laugh harder and love deeper, for I know how sweet these things truly are. I can laugh, I have to laugh. When the sorrow sweeps over me, it almost sucks me under. Worse than ever before, the sadness will come. But to have moments when I can think of my girl and smile, those are the moments I live for.
I have to. There is no other option.
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