This 'phase'. Oh, this 'phase'.

Lately, I've found myself feeling guilty for wanting to speak of my daughter.  But why? Am I too worried about other people's comfort or an awkward conversation or the abrupt end to a conversation?  I don't know.

I've felt many things that I honestly wish I didn't feel.  I wish I didn't feel this hesitation because I'd love nothing more than to shout AVERY MARIE from a rooftop and talk about all of the amazing memories I have with her.  I would talk about all the things she taught me and how she was the strongest little girl I'd ever known.

In almost every conversation, someone else is talking about their beloved child (I do not blame you one bit) and something that they did, said, are doing, are planning to do, etc. Even in the most random conversation, my mind ALWAYS makes some kind of connection to my missing piece, my Avery.  Oh, you're telling me about the other night at the grocery store?  I used to take Avery with me grocery shopping... You didn't get a good night's sleep? Avery had JUST started sleeping through the night before she was hospitalized... You had a busy Saturday?  I used to not know which days were Saturday because every day's routine was the same but oh so special.  It is exhausting.  It is exhausting putting on a happy face.  I wish my mind didn't rush to these places but how is one supposed to function 'normally' when their child is in Heaven?

I'm not sure what phase (I hate to use that word, because a phase should end) of grief I'm in, but I'm at the "I'm so distracted by the fact that my child is no longer here.. One day they were here, the next moment they're not. How is that possible? I carried this child for 9 long months, gave birth, breastfed, clothed, bathed, talked to, sang to, did life with her. Where is she?? What just happened?" phase and honestly it sucks.  Attempting to 'do' the holidays just doesn't seem right.  I want nothing more than to include her in some way.  *Death does not negate existence.* We are a family of 3, plus 2 that we never had the chance to meet. I can almost guarantee that I will cry at the mention of her name, but its because it makes this momma's heart so so happy to hear her baby being thought of and name spoken.  Don't ignore it because it's uncomfortable for you, we are all uncomfortable here, there's nothing comfortable about this.