"When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You... I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You."

I'm exhausted.

The past few weeks have felt like such a cloudy fog.  I've started back to work... I know God has put me exactly where I need to be and I pray every day that I can be a blessing to my students and that I can learn from them just as much as they learn from me.  

I've had several moments that I'm literally breathless because it hits me like a ton of bricks that life isn't as it should be.  I should have an almost 1 year old to go home to after work.. or better yet, I should still be at home with her.  I'm trying to go through these steps in this next phase of life as best I can but good grief (no pun intended) it's hard. 

I think 'bittersweet' could be the most felt feeling... EVERYTHING is bittersweet.  Everything.   I ache to the core missing my baby.  I hurt trying to find how to comfort Brad.  I want to carry on with friends like we used to, but its just not possible.  I literally don't have the capacity in me to care for much more than myself and Brad.  I hurt for our families though.  They are dealing with life without their granddaughter and niece.  She was a living, breathing human being and now she's gone.  I don't know if my head will ever wrap all the way around that.

The longer it goes, the harder its getting for me.  I could try to explain all the reasons why but I don't think I could put these feelings into words.  It just is.  There's something that doesn't settle right with me about stopping by the cemetery after a day with your students to visit your baby. Don't know if it ever will.  But I go and I talk to her and tell her how much I miss her and that "momma's here, sweet girl".   In a weird way, I don't ever want Avery to feel alone...I know she isn't, I know she is surrounded by so many beautiful angels and the most precious Lord and Savior but I'm her mommy.  She needs her mommy.  I need her.  

I know that my girl couldn't be healed on this side of Heaven and she is where her soul needs to be.  I continue to learn so much from her and am so thankful that little chunky 8 month old left a remarkable imprint on our hearts the way only she could.  I have learned more about God's grace and love for us than I ever knew I needed to.

So while I'm completely exhausted in every way, I am so blessed.