Writing is therapeutic for me. It always has been. I've kept a journal of some kind since middle school. I wrote about middle school drama, friends, you know, the usual. I wrote about my high school years, meeting my husband, in math class. I wrote about our engagement, the days leading up to our wedding, then [ our ] big day. I wrote about married life, job searches, friendships, family.. I wrote it all for me. For myself. Then, I wrote about the day we found out we were pregnant. I remember that journal entry like I wrote it yesterday. I love how God lets you remember the best things. I wrote about my pregnancy, the excitement in telling our families and friends. Before I knew it, I was writing to someone else. I was writing to my daughter. I started the entries with Dear sweet pea or Sweet baby...Once we knew she was a girl, we picked a name, Avery Marie, and then it became Dear Avery...I wrote about the love that we had for her before we even knew her. I wrote about how she was 'making mommy feel sick but it was OK'. I wrote about all the things we were going to do. I wrote about how great of a daddy she had and how I couldn't wait to see them together. Once she came, life got busy and somehow I didn't think about writing. The greatest part of me was in my arms and that was all I needed. I went to my journal once she left us to be with Jesus and my last entry was about how excited we were to meet her, from August of 2014. I started my entry on May 5 of this year with "Man how things have changed..." Now, I write to my angel, praying that she hears my words.. For some reason, I find myself reading what I write aloud, as if reading to her. When I'm done, I feel a little better, for the moment.
I've learned that you have to do what helps you, even if no one understands it. I've learned that there are going to be some people that welcome a conversation that might be uncomfortable for them, because it's what you need. I've learned that it's OK to let people go for a little while, maybe your paths will cross again, when the time is right. I've learned that the most unexpected people will be your most precious gifts. I've learned that a simple, stupid heart emoji can bring tears to your eyes.
I'm not sure where this was going, but it is feeling good to get it out. With the changing of seasons and holidays approaching, I have been in a constant state of shock, numbness, happiness, sadness...all at once. Yes, that's possible.
I find myself praying for others who are hurting right now because I know their pain. Too many parents without their babies. My heart hurts knowing the days ahead for them. I can say today [ask me tomorrow, it may be different], that it does change, though things will never ever be the same, you will have moments when you can breathe, you will have moments of clarity and thankfulness....Savor those moments because when the grief-tide washes over, it will almost take you with it. You are able to do way more than you ever knew humanly possible. You are. I miss my Avery so much I physically ache for her and the thought of living the rest of this life without her literally takes my breath away. But to know she is pain-free, happy, well, perfect, and with Jesus...That's all a mother could want for her child. I always prayed that she would grow up to be a Godly child, that people would be drawn to Jesus through her. I prayed this before she was born, I prayed this once she was with us, and I still pray that now. Her story isn't over. I have to live, for her.
