Grief is...

Grief is personal. Grief is ever-changing. Grief washes over you and nearly takes you with it. Grief subsides long enough for you to breathe. Grief is a happy weekend reminding me that you should be here. Grief is a sad, lonely visit to 'see' you. Grief is laughing and grief is tears.  Grief is inevitable when this human being that came from you is no longer on the same side of heaven as you. Grief shouldn't be happening right now. Grief is ugly, cruel, smothering... But it reminds me of the immense love we were blessed with for 8 months and 1 day. A perfect soul came into this world, made us mommy and daddy, and is now living perfectly with Jesus. We grieve... But we also rejoice.

Please forgive me...

I know I'm not the same person I was before May 3.  If we're being honest, I know I'm not the same person I was before December 29.  Before December 29, I was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.  I was a mother to an almost 4 month old beautiful, funny, snuggly little girl with the bluest, most perfect eyes and widest, happiest smile.

Everyone always told me that our lives were going to be forever changed with a child and that we would feel a kind of love we've never felt before.  Every bit of that was spot on.  

We lost our girl, as we knew her, on December 29.  The amount of love that you have for this tiny human means the equivalent amount of pain and hurt that you feel when they are suffering.  The love is indescribable...The pain is indescribable.  Half of my baby's life was spent suffering.  That changes you, as a parent... As a person.  I am at a place in this journey right now that I can't even look at pictures or think about the things that she endured from December 29-May 3. It hurts so bad.  I hurt for her.  I hurt because there was nothing that I could do to take away her pain.  Literally all we could do was make the best decisions for her and love her.  And oh how we loved her.  It wasn't until Avery that I truly felt like I had a purpose.  She gave my life purpose.

She gave me so much.  She gave me strength that I never knew I had, she taught me a totally new kind of love, she showed us all what is truly important.  I know that Jesus was working through her.  I would choose my Avery Marie a million times over, if I had that chance.  You see, when someone comes into your life and makes such an impact, you become a different person, for the better.  When that same person leaves this life, you also become a different person.  It's inevitable.  Please forgive me for not being the same person I used to be...

I'm stronger, yet most of the time I feel weaker.  I'm more patient, yet at times I feel I have no patience.  I'm more giving, but find I don't have time for negativity.  I have a new focus on what's important and honestly get annoyed and offended by some people's issues.  I know, it's probably not right, but when you've had to watch your child fight for her life, someone complaining about silly, mundane things easily annoys you.  So please forgive me if I don't have the capacity to listen to these problems.  It's not you, I literally just don't have it in me.

Please forgive me for not being the same friend that was always laughing.  Yes, I am trying my absolute hardest to be happy, trust me.  I want to be happy.  Please forgive me for not reaching out to you the way I used to, the way I know I should be.  I am still here for you.  Please forgive me for not wanting to stay busy with (what should be) fun activities when the weekends come, I am mentally and physically exhausted.  All the time.  As much as I would love to change things, if I did then it would mean I also wouldn't have known all of the amazing blessings that came from Avery.  And please forgive me, but I wouldn't have traded her for the world.